Standing on my Foundation

This past week in yoga a good majority of the classes that I attended seemed to focus on foundation.  We looked at our physical foundation in poses and I pondered foundation on a deeper level.  The timing of this happened to be perfect.  The following poem by Danna Foulds was read in one of those classes and it certainly resonated with me.

Foundations Stones 
 by Danna Foulds

Here is my past--

what I've been proud of,

and what I've pushed away.

Today I see how each piece

was needed, not a single

step wasted on the way.

Like a stone wall,

every rock resting

on what came before-

no stone can be

suspended in mid-air.

Foundation laid by every

act and omission,

each decision, even

those the mind would

label "big mistake".

These things I thought

were sins, these are as

necessary as successes,

each one resting on the

surface of the last, stone

upon stone, the fit

particular, complete,

the rough, uneven

face of these rocks

makes surprising,

satisfying patterns

in the sunlight.

Everything that I have experienced in life so far has laid the foundation for what will come next.  This means that I need to take the good with the bad and stand tall on top of it all.  It has all been necessary to get me to where I am at this very moment in time and will continue to prepare me for the great things to come.

My Spiritual Sanctuary

I don't go to church or temple, and if you asked me if I practiced a religion I would say I am spiritual and not religious. Some days I would say I was Jew-ish, emphasis on the ish; where I still feel connected to the culture and traditions from my youth but not necessarily the religious aspects.  Then comes the question, well do you believe in G-d (typed like that out of respect for my upbringing)? And my response is that what I do believe in is that there is something out there greater than myself but I may define that as Grace, Nature, Love or the Universe depending on the day or the way I am feeling.

Recently more and more I understand why some people regardless of how devoted they may be to their particular religion have found a true need to connect to a religious (spiritual) community.  This past Friday we had a community yoga class at Yoga Sanctuary, where I practice yoga and have been spending a significant amount of time these last few months.  At this class all of the teachers taught between 5- 10 minutes but their teaching flowed wonderfully from one to the next.  Following the practice we potlucked (yes it is a verb now) and connected over food.  As I sat in that space I realized that the physical space had actually become a Sanctuary to me.  At one point as I looked around I became overwhelmed with emotion.  I knew most people that were there, some close friends, some true confidants and some just casual acquaintances but regardless of the relationship we all shared something.  This community that I have become part of is one that has become something very significant to me, something that is an integral part of me.  On any given day that I walk around town I can almost be guaranteed to see someone from this community and just having that presence is so grounding to me.

I believe that the relationship  that I have to and with my yoga community is not unlike that of others and their relationship to their religious community.  Maybe this is my way of defining and connecting to spirituality. This Sanctuary of mine has allowed me to breathe deeper than ever before, reflect on life and what it means to me and find acceptance and profound connections.  I have done this through yoga, meditation and just simply by holding a space in this Sanctuary.

"Well I'm done searching now

I found what this life is worth

Not in the books did I find

But by searching my mind

I don't condemn, I don't convert

This is the calling have you heard?

Bring all the lovers to the fold

No one is gonna lose their soul

Love is my religion

Love is my religion

Love is my religion

Love is my religion

You can take it or leave it

And you don't have to believe it"

 ~Lyrics from "Love is my Religion," by Ziggy Marley

Redefining Jinx

Oh no I can't talk about that because I don't want to jinx it.  Do you ever find yourself saying that?  I certainly have in the past.  I would think it was bad luck to share potential good news, that if I shared that the potential would not turn into a reality

I have recently taken a contrary approach.  I have some things brewing out on the horizon that as I go about my day to day I have been sharing with others more then I would have typically in the past (I am not going to share here in any detail because it is still very much a potential and this is very much a public space).  I share and more importantly I share that I am excited.  In the past it would be as if this excitement would 'jinx' the potential opportunity, that somehow by sharing this with other people I would be tempting fate and then the outcome would not be in my favor.

I do know that part of why I would not let myself get too excited and almost minimize the potential opportunity's importance has to do with self preservation.  So if I don't get asked out on that date, win the big award or get the dream job I get to say I did not really want it anyway.  But if I truly believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you then why should I not show and share my excitement.  This makes the potential opportunity more of a reality and my approach to it more authentic.  Imagine the difference a job interview could be if you truly presented your authentic self to those who are interviewing you? I can certainly recall having to fake enthusiasm for jobs I have interviewed for before but if it is something that I am really excited for why not let that come through. Wouldn't you want to hire someone who was really excited about the job you were offering?  Could that person even be, experience aside, a more ideal candidate.

I once was told after I was hired for a job that one of the reasons I was chosen was because they wanted to get to know the person that my references spoke about and that when I interviewed they did not see all that they had heard about.  I did not bring my full authentic self to that process, I needed a job and had a lot on the line, so held back because I didn't want to be "too much of me", too enthusiastic.  I knew I could be overwhelming at times, though with age I have learned to reign that in a lot.  Apparently in that situation it would have certainly served me better to be true to myself.  Though I am eternally grateful to my references for being able to bring out what I suppressed, I learned a lot from this process which occurred almost 9 years ago.   Yet through the years I have still held back.  These days I am trying something different, life has been different and I am different. 

So maybe now instead of thinking that I will jinx 'it' by talking about 'it' maybe not talking about 'it' is the real jinx.  I'll let you know how that turns out!

"What you think is what you become" ~ Buddha

Living My Values

Today in yoga class we were asked to think about if how we lived our lives was consistent with our values.  This is something that I think of often and is usually at the forefront of my mind. Today for some reason I was really struck by this question.

This week was a roller coaster of a week for me and many across this country and in particular on the other side of this great state that I live in.  With tragedy in both Boston and West, TX I have almost been ashamed to say that I have had a relatively great week.  Things are slowly starting to unfold for me professionally (nothing major yet, but I am starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel) and in the matter of 48 hours I have planned a trip out to CA (for next week) to do some work for a friend and reconnect with some other good friends.  I call it my work-cation!  So yes it has been a really good week and one that has also been filled with fear and sorrow, one that has shown me the support I knew was there in my community and one that has tested my ability to be flexible and think on my feet.

So when I think about my values and if I live my life consistent with them I get to think about the week that I just had, the week that in the face of tragedy and unknown in the world I was able to find some sense of balance and calm.  I made decisions based on what I value and made plans in a way that also honored these values.  I believe I have a pretty strong work ethic and stand behind commitments that I make and because of this I almost did not take the opportunity I was offered in CA, I did not want to shirk my responsibilities.  But, I was both supported and encouraged to pursue this opportunity.

When I think about living my values I think about why I left my job in September.  Amongst a number of reasons one was that I was not able to be true to my values, I was not given the freedom to be true to myself.  I was unhappy and I was able to mask this most days but it took both a physical and emotional toll.   It is not always easy to live in sync with my values, there are days that certainly test that even now.   I value compassion and patience, both of these things get tested in my retail job on almost a daily basis, but I usually recognize this when it is happening and adjust my reaction accordingly.  Also, most days it is not always in my best financial interest (as I am trying to save as much as I can) to live completely in sync with my values.  For example I would like to leave as little an impact as possible on the earth,  but depending on the day or week affording local, organic vegetables may be out of the question and I will opt for what is cheaper than supporting what I believe in, but I try.

In order for me to live up to the fullest version of me and to be fully aligned with my values I must surround myself with people whose values are similar to mine.  Through a number of different circumstances this week I have found people to be kind and generous, compassionate and understanding, loving and humorous...all things that I value in my life.  I will continue to surround myself with people who share my values and I will continue to seek work that allows me to stand tall and be the person I have worked so hard to become.

What do you value? Do you surround yourself with people and circumstances that make it easy for you to live consistent with your values? If not what can you do to align yourself differently.

"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace" ~ Dalai Lama

Ubuntu - the Essence of Being Human

I have spoken some about my connection with my community and how it is essential to my existence. This is fairly evident just by the title of this blog and it is more clear everyday that I need my community to survive and even more so to thrive.  I believe that for people to be successful they need other people supporting and lifting them up.  This is where my community has come into place.

South Africans believe in a concept called Ubuntu, that focuses on people's relationships and allegiances to one another.  Archbishop Desmond Tutu explains Ubuntu as follows:

"One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality – Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity."

In this video he explains it further to a group of students on the Spring 2007 Semester at Sea voyage:

Isn't that such a great concept, wouldn't the world be a better place, a more peaceful place if everyone connected with this philosophy.   What if we always approached any new person we meet with eyes open to this concept.   I believe that I possess Ubuntu and have chosen to surround myself with others who also possess this amazing quality.  I know that I can not exist in isolation, I know that I am interconnected to all human beings.  The quote says that when you do well, it spreads out.  I believe the contrary to be true as well; when we do harm that also spreads out.  To me that means that our actions can always affect those around us and like ripples in water affect beyond to all living things.

Comfort and Fear

I have started to become really comfortable with life right now.  Some would say that is good, isn't it? But I think I have become too comfortable.  Do not get me wrong, weekly I am applying for jobs in higher education that I am qualified for both near and far.  And there are actually a handful that I am interested in.  So I am moving towards that goal I have of gaining full time employment.  But I have figured out a way to make my current situation work for me, to find joy, contentment, and comfort at a time when I would not have imagined this to be possible.  My days are full , I am full.  So if I am too comfortable will I stop pushing myself to move out of this 'comfort zone' I am in now?

For me I know that certain truths exist right now:

I have said before that though this time was unanticipated I have been given a gift and I do believe I have been taking full advantage of this gift. 

Truth #1:
I have been practicing a lot of yoga and if I did not have this time I would not have that opportunity.  Life would be a lot different right now if I had not found yoga.  (See The Times They Are a Changing)

Truth #2:
I have had the ability to connect with friends and people in my community; unrushed and with intentionality.

Truth #3:
I have refound the value of contributing to my community.  I try to volunteer once a week at the Northampton Survival Center and by serving others I have in turn served myself.

This place of comfort also brings feeling of fear.  Fear of the future, fear of not finding that next job or worse finding that next job and either not being successful or losing this sense of comfort. When fear rears its ugly head, this next truth, the truth that throbs in my head, the truth that brings me back to reality, the truth that makes me question my current state of comfort. This very practical truth the one that pulls me out of my heart and back into my head.

Truth #4:
At some point (soon) I will not be able to sustain myself financially.  I know that for financial reasons I must find a full time job by the end of the summer. (And I would like for this to be in higher education or in a role where I am making a similar impact.) 

It is this last truth and the fear I feel that will force me out of my comfort zone but hopefully I will retain most of what I have gained from spending some time there. 

And I am still so very hopeful....

"You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own."
~ Michelle Obama

Being Present, Being Mindful

One of the things that this time has given me is time.  One of the things that yoga has given me is the ability to be present, to be mindful.  And what a beautiful combination time, presence and mindfulness are.

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes about Mindfulness in Wherever You Go There You Are:

"The key to this path which lies in the root of Buddhism  Taoism and yoga, and which we also find in the works of people like Emerson, Thoreau, and Whitman and in Native American wisdom, is an appreciation for the present moment and the cultivation of an intimate relationship with it through continual attending to it with care and discernment.  It is the direct opposite of taking life for granted."

I know about and have taught students about active listening, the importance of being present to who you are engaging with, to being present in that moment.  With the rushing by of life, being constantly pulled in a number of different directions at any given moment it becomes really challenging to be present for everyone who needs you to be.  I have recently learned what it means to not take life for granted.  I have learned, well relearned and newly implemented,  that if I am able to take care of myself, treat myself with the love and kindness that I deserve then I can fully be present for and mindful in all of my daily interactions.  

I say to people all of the time, "You are no good to others if you are not taking care of yourself."  In the work I have done with students I try to be a role model in this area, though my last position made that very difficult for me at times.  I have spent a lot of time since September taking care of myself, figuring out what I need and want and this has all allowed me to be so much more present and engaged with other people in my life.  I believe that this time has truly served me in this way.  My yoga practice has certainly supported this.  This taking care of me, this being much more introspective, this has truly served me. The extrovert that I am, this person who can multi-task because my head can be in a dozen different places at once has learned to quiet my mind.  I have also learned to be more present as I walk down the street, to take in what surrounds me and to value each interaction I have in my community. With presence comes mindfulness.  This mindfulness shows up daily in many different ways even when I am eating or drinking as well as the interactions I have in my community.  With this mindfulness comes deeper relationships with people I have known for years as well as people I have known for weeks.  Being mindful, being present and filling my time with this positive way of being has all contributed to me becoming a better version of me.

"Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.  I drink at it; but while I drink, I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is.  Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains.  I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars." 

~ Thoreau, Walden

I am your ally

I am your ally.  I will walk beside you, stand alongside you until you have the same rights that I do.  These things that are rights…not privileges.

I am not married, I have not met Mr. Right, or Mr. Good Enough for Now, or even Mr. Let’s Get Drunk and Married in Vegas.  But if tomorrow I do, if tomorrow I meet any of those men I could without question marry any of them, love aside, values aside.  I can travel to any part of this country and marry that man. 

I have a lot of people in my life who identify as LGBTQ, I have seen what love means and what happy, healthy families looks like.  I have watched the children of my friends understand what it means to be loved, taught to be open-minded and compassionate.  A lesson that we could certainly all use to learn at a young age.  I have learned a lot recently and understand that while we say Marriage Equality is what the Supreme Court is deciding it is so much more then marriage.  If I were to marry Mr. Vegas he could then be on my health insurance or I on his, we could visit each other in the hospital no questions asked if the time came, and receive a number of other federal benefits because we were recognized by the federal government as married.  I am fortunate to live in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage, but I know that this not enough, that until the Supreme Court finds the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional, until same-sex marriage is recognized nationally rights are still being denied.  Until we can just say marriage.

What is on the line are basic human rights, things that I have taken for granted, things that I, as a straight woman, do not have to give a second thought about.  But I do, I think about these things on a daily basis, and until the people I love (and people I have yet to meet) have the same rights as I do I will continue to raise awareness and support you.

To me this is a no brainer when it comes to constitutional rights.  People can stand behind their religion or their God as a scapegoat for hate and discrimination.  But I stand on the side of love, on the side of freedom and on the side of equal rights for all.

"I have decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Springing into Happiness

All week in yoga I was reminded that we are heading into Spring, that the weather is transitioning (or should be soon anyway) and that we too can look at this time to transition.  There is that word again that has become all too familiar to me: TRANSITION!  I have said that I am ready to be transitioned, but was I really?  Or as we move out of the darkness of winter and into the light of spring, maybe now is the time.  The winter is a time to go within, a time to plant the seeds that will bloom in the springtime.  I entered the darkness, I went deep into the dark and am slowly emerging into the light.  My transition is in sync with that of nature.  I have planted the seeds, both personally and professionally, and am slowly seeing these seeds that I have nurtured slowly emerging into something beautiful.  I can share the physical representation of this with pictures of an Amaryllis I planted in early January (the depths of winter) and here we are a few months later and it is starting to bloom nicely and if I had to make a guess I would say I will have a flower by the first day of summer.

I call him Bert

This week was also the First ever International Day of Happiness as declared by the UN.

Both the Spring Equinox and this Day happened to be March 20.  I signed a pledge on that day to "Try to create more happiness in the world around me." And I shared with anyone I could what this day was about.  I would also think that it is appropriate that this Day of Happiness fell on the Spring Equinox.  I would say that happiness and light, joy and growth represent both of these "events".   On this same day, Wednesday March 20, at the workshop I have been participating in about Finding your purpose and calling, we focused on strengths and 'innate gifts.'  In one activity "Bringing Joy" emerged as one of my strengths and when I went to rank it on the bottom of my list I was encouraged to make it one of my top 5 by someone I have only known for just a few weeks.  In just our brief interactions she saw something in me that I had a hard time seeing myself.  Something that I do naturally yet apparently have a hard time acknowledging that it is something I can do well.

So here I was on the Spring Equinox, the threshold to light and joy, and the International Day of Happiness and I was being affirmed in my innate gift of bringing joy.  It feels almost cocky boasting that here, however, if I am going to be able to fully transition to what is right, to what I want and need, I must own and affirm my own strengths.  Also, if I am going to be successful in any sort of interview process I must be comfortable speaking about the thing that are my strengths, what I do well and the places where I can be most successful.  And I guess bringing joy to others is not a bad thing to be boasting about!

"Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love!"  ~Sitting Bull

Sometimes right back where you started from is right where you belong.

As the year began I wrote about what I want.  I have had to travel a little bit deeper and really think about what I want for a job, work, a career (not sure which of those I am seeking right now).

I have been thinking a lot these past few months about what I want and need from work.  I have applied for a number of jobs and am starting to be offered phone interviews.  This is certainly forcing me to truly understand what I want from a job so I can speak to that with conviction and passion in these phone interviews.

At the retail gig I am currently in we sell greeting cards, probably the best assortment of greeting cards in any store I have been in, and I am a huge fan of the well meaning greeting card.  Anyway, I came across this quote on one of them yesterday and the light bulb started to glow, "Sometimes right back where you started from is right where you belong." 

I have been thinking a lot lately about my start in higher education, why I chose to do this work, when I knew I was making the greatest impact as well as gaining the most satisfaction.

When I started my professional career I worked at Colorado College, a small liberal arts college, in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I was a Resident Director and oversaw a Freshman Residence Hall.  This was probably one of the most challenging and rewarding,stressful and enjoyable, overwhelming and affirming times of my career.  I really connected with the students, connected even more with my colleagues and felt supported and appropriately challenged.  With the exception of the stress and overwhelming feelings those are the things I want from my career.  

I need to feel some of those things I felt then, I need to connect with why I originally started this work, I need to know I am in a place that supports me.  And as I have grown and matured I also know that I need to have a work life balance.  Also, important is to to focus on what I need as opposed to what I want.

I am slowly gaining back my lost confidence and this job search process has already started to test that.  Interviewing and writing cover letters will continue to push me to evaluate and reevaluate what I want and more importantly what I need.