“Why are we should-ing all over ourselves?”

Yesterday a midst a Sex and the City marathon one of the episodes referenced "The S word"; or the shoulds in our life.  I should be married with kids, I should own a home and be settled down, I should grow up, I should make the "right" decisions.  Heck I should probably even stop wearing concert T-shirts and flip flops.  These shoulds come from the media, from peer pressure, from family, from the world around us and often times from deep inside ourselves.

"I wondered if should was another disease plaquing women.  Did we want babies and perfect honeymoons, or did we think we should have babies and perfect honeymoons? How do we seperate what we could do with what we should do? And here is an alarming thought.  It's not just peer pressure, it seems to be coming from within.  Why are we should-ing all over ourselves?

~ Ah, the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw.  (Season 6, Episode 15, "Catch 38")

Interesting that I watched that show in the afternoon, thought about some of my own shoulds and then had to confront one of them when I headed to work at my retail gig.  After hearing that this older gentleman that I was helping was from NYC I told him that I was from NY and asked him where in NYC.  When he said the Village I got really excited and told him I went to NYU for grad school.  He then proceeded to say something along the lines of how did you end up working here with a Master's degree from NYU.  I told him that I was on pause from my career and taking some time to explore different options and I was fine.  He walked away and I was pissed.  How dare he make me justify the use (or lack thereof) of my degree?  How dare he make me question my place, when I question it enough without anyone having to do it for me?  How dare he make me for even one second feel less then?  But, when I told him that I was fine for the first time in a while I did not have to convince myself that this was true.  I know I wrote about being “good enough for now” and sometimes it is hard for me to accept that but when I said last night that I was fine I actually felt like I was speaking the truth.  It took me saying those words out loud to a stranger for me to believe them.

So I am not sure what he thought I “should” be doing with my degree but I know I have gotten my money’s worth.  We have choices, I have choices.  I choose right now to work a part-time retail job, I could have chosen a different path to be on right now but this is what I have chosen.  It is what I SHOULD be doing right now because it is what I have chosen to do.  So I say to that man who looked at me with both disapproval and disappointment, "Thanks for your concern, but I really am fine!" 

Family and letting others in

As we are immersed in the holiday season, I look at Thanksgiving and New Year's book ending a very hectic and busy yet sweet and loving time of year.  I think a lot about my family; I have lived away from the family that I was born in to for many years and have found myself fortunate to establish a network of family for myself wherever I have landed.  I love where I live right now and the family I have created for myself and for this reason I am determined to stay put.  I just got off of the phone with my mother after having described in detail some of the traditions that have become part of my holiday season (the delivery of pajamas from the pajama elves on Christmas Eve and Side Dish Christmas on Christmas day) and she said to me with much conviction that she finally understood why it was so important for me to stay in this community.  I am grateful for the family I was born into and grateful that they understand the importance of the family I have chosen.  I am grateful for the family I have chosen and who have chosen me.

I wrote the following during the first month of my unemployment and feel it is quite relevant to post at this time:

I am a single woman who has lived most of her adult life on her own.  I have supported myself financially since college and have been fine living pretty much pay check to pay check.  My money has gone to travel, concerts, food and not really to physical possessions.  My apartment consists of mostly hand me down furniture and most days I am OK with this.  Not working has made me reevaluate how I will stretch the money that I have and what I am really able to live on. 

As I have shared with close friends about my current situation it became very clear very quickly that if need be it I would not need to worry about housing and food.  Left and right I was getting affirmations of love and support from friends near and far.  As meaningful as this was it was also quite overwhelming, it is difficult for me to accept help from others in this grand way.  After all I have been on my own for so many years and only me taking care of me.  I have been trying really hard to let others in, reach out when I need it and accept the hands that have been reaching out to me.

But I have been, I have been letting others help me and give to me and in small ways I try to repay.  Overwhelming again to realize what I mean to those who are reaching out to me.  I lead my life in a positive manner, I get to know the people who I encounter casually and form relationships fairly easily.  I believe that people are essentially good and some just do not know how to manifest that yet.  The graciousness that I have been granted correlates with the time and care that I have taken to get to know people.  I, like many people, am willing to help but have a difficult time accepting help from others.  But if we are going to truly be part of the world we must accept the help from others because it is this acceptance that allows us to give so freely when we have the ability to do so.   We are not in this alone.  There are reasons why we live in communities, why we build relationships and why we let people in.

 Happy Holiday to you and your family  (however you choose to define them)!!

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.  Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."

~ Richard Bach, Illusions

I will be.

So I have committed to writing a new blog post every Sunday.  I have made this commitment to no one other then myself.  Occasionally I will post during the week, like I did this week (my published poem!!!) For my Sunday posts I want to write original pieces, one that reflects on what I did, lessons I have learned and what I have seen in the week that has passed.   Sometimes these are things that I have started writing early in the week other times I sit down and just type.  Very easily I have found inspiration.

With the tragedy that we saw this week, many innocent lives being lost in such a senseless act, and so many unanswered questions I have been at a loss for words the past few days.  I also do not think that anything that I could write about what has happened would give due justice to the situation.  When I think about my week in hindsight, when I think about my life and how it has transpired over the last few weeks, months and years, I know that things are not so bad for me (they are actually pretty good).  I have a roof over my head in a community that I love, an abundance of food, I have had a formal education, I have had the opportunity to travel the world and I have people who I love and love me in all corners of this country. 

I will spend my days appreciating what I have.  I will not let time pass without recognizing those who have made a difference in my world. I will hug those I love a little bit tighter.  I will smile more at strangers. I will go out of my way to make someone’s day.  I will let go of the little things that bother me (or at least try).  I will try.  I will appreciate nature more.  I will bring a level of mindfulness and presence to all interactions that I have. I will use my empathy to try to understand your story. I will listen more.  I will take risks.  I will let myself be vulnerable. I will forgive.  I will not regret.  I will love.  I will be hopeful.  I will have an open mind and heart.  I will still be sad and angry and frustrated and I will allow myself to be all of those things.  I will be.

What will you do?

I wrote a poem and it was published!!

Just less then two years ago and only about 6 months into my yoga practice I saw somewhere out in cyperspace a call for poetry about yoga. I sat down in front of my computer, composed a poem, made a few edits and submitted it.  I think the last time I wrote a poem may had been in a High School English class.  I would have not called myself a poet, but something happened, a force took over, I felt inspired and I composed my first poem and submitted it.  I found out a few months later that my poem would be included in the second volume of the Poetry of Yoga which is officially released today. I was as surprised as I was honored to be chosen to be a part of such an amazing project.  

"A ground-breaking project, The Poetry of Yoga has expanded the literary tradition of yoga to include the cultural perspective of the 21st century. A modern day collection compiled and edited by artist, poet, and yogi HAWAH, the two volumes are distilled from over 2,000 pages of poetry that was submitted online from 19 countries.

 Hawah’s vision was to help kick-start a modern day renaissance of age-old, and now deceased, master poets such as Hafiz, Mirabai, and Rumi; hence reclaiming the mystical expression that defines so many yoga practitioners around the world today.  The only book of its kind, The Poetry of Yoga has harnessed and created an important platform for a new body of work that reflects on how yoga continues to shift the landscape of human civilization. The other part of the mission is to raise money for the non-profit organization One Common Unity, which teaches non-violence and conflict resolution through the arts to inner-city youth.  Fifty percent of book sales are donated to benefit their pioneering programs and initiatives."  (From the official press release)

Here is my poem:

My practice

breathe

stretch

move

breathe

breathe

thoughts

thoughts

I am in my head

whats going on

what do I need to do tomorrow

whats for dinner

breathe

breathe

focus

must focus

am I doing this right

my body does not move like theirs

breathe

breathe

breathe

that’s not comfortable

my body does not move like that

this hurts

but I want to do it like they are doing it

adjust

adjust

relax

breathe

it will be ok

it is ok

i can move how i need to move

relax

breathe

breathe

if I do this now I will be relaxed for tomorrow

stop thinking about relaxing

breathe in and out, out and in

it is ok

my body moves how it is supposed to move

breathe

open heart

release the days stress

breathe

breathe

breathe

grace

appreciate the practice where I am at

breathe

breathe

breathe

breathe

gratitude

grace

love

grace

light

shine

heart

grace

wisdom

open

open

open

breathe

You can order your copy of this remarkable collection of poetry that I am honored to be a part of here: www.ThePoetryOfYoga.com

Contemplating Time

For my entire life I have measured time by semesters.  Starting at Elementary school through High School, then, moving on to College straight through to Graduate school.  Then I worked in a profession that continued this, I worked for over 10 years and continued to measure my time by this.  Things like ‘winter break’, ‘finals,’ ‘end of semester/year closure’ were part of my everyday vernacular. 

Now here I am for the first time in my life and a semester holds a whole different meaning for me, or really holds no meaning at all.  A semester is coming to a close (3 months since I left my job) and I am not helping students prepare for finals, prepping for the next semester or pulling together ways for students to reflect on their semester.  I mentioned this odd place I feel like I have found myself in to one of my new retail colleagues and she said you must feel so free.  I had not thought of it as freeing, honestly I had thought of it as feeling lost.  But when she said that it made me think that yes this is actually another freeing moment in my journey.  This entire ‘unemployment’ (I put that in quotes because I guess technically I am working) thing has definitely at times felt quite freeing, though every now and then moments of hopelessness does rear its ugly head.  When I let myself, I do feel free, like the possibilities are endless, that this is a time to reinvent myself.  The problem is I am not sure I want to reinvent myself or to even know where to start when it is comes to looking at different careers.  Personally the freedom is amazing and I have done some great work on me and really am less stressed then I have felt in years.  Though sometimes I think about not feeling stressed and that makes me a little bit stressed!

So back to time; in the grand scheme of life only 3 months have passed.   Three years ago I spent 3 months traveling around the world (yes literally around the world).  So much can happen in three months yet it is such a small amount of time. Who knows what the next three months will hold for me.  Sometimes I wish I had a time machine that would let me know when things will unfold (because I know they will) and when I will know what my next steps will be.   What I do know is that if I focus too much on thinking of what is next I will lose touch with what is happening right now and there is a lot of good going on right now and really life is good.

“When time is reduced to linear progress, it is emptied of presence.”

~ John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 

Falling Apart with Grace

Life brings many ups and downs, twists and turns.  I have fallen and I have risen.  Each time I fall I feel that I prepare myself for the next time it will happen.  I am working through a lot these days and I do believe I have done a lot of good work on myself.  I also know with every dozen steps I take forward lead to a handful of steps backwards.  I have become stronger with each fall and know that in life these moments are where our greatest lessons are learned.  

“The more you fall apart the more capable you are of falling apart” 

~Douglas Brooks

Untitled Post*

I spent most of my weekend at Yoga Sanctuary, attending a philosophy workshop; Heroines:  Stories of Healing, Hurting, and Awakening the Heart taught by Douglas Brooks.  I went into this weekend figuring that by the time the weekend was over I would have lots of fodder to write about.  I took copious amounts of notes, understood maybe two thirds of what was said and had my mind blown at least a half a dozen times, however to synthesis what I took in at this point is quite challenging to say the least.  I will say that as I absorbed a lot of information I realized how relevant so many of the stories that I listened to and the information I absorbed rung true to my life right now, how I have existed and how I want to be.

One of the things that I took away and that I can process right now was the concept that heroines use their advantage to their advantage.  We should take the gifts that we have been given and use them to our benefit.  There was a lot said about this and if you are a fan like I am of the lore, philosophy and stories that are behind yoga then I would say if you have the opportunity to hear Douglas Brooks speak you should jump on it.  You will also find that he takes many tangents but eventually comes back to the point he is making so this one take away was a very small piece of a much larger story.

I believe that we all have the ability to live as heroines since we like them are human beings.  So as difficult, uncomfortable or challenging as it may be to think about ‘using our advantages to our advantage’ I think it makes absolute sense and I have seen it play out in a positive way in my own life.  I see it as utilizing your strengths, being secure with what you have and using that to gain some sort of value.  We also learned that heroines would not be seeking success but value added.  What sort of value can be gained?

When I first became unemployed I really did not think I would survive, I was overwhelmed with the unknown and very quickly turned into survival mode.  Once I got to the other side of that I reached out to a number of different people who I knew that in one way or another would provide me with support or potentially open doors for me.  I see my ability to connect with people, listen to their stories, build relationships and then sustain these relationships to be a strength that I possess.  (Isn't it interesting how sometimes it feels easier to talk about our deficits instead of ways we excel.  Even typing that sounded too braggy, but I know this to be true.)  For a time that has had such extreme ups and downs I have added value to my days by reaching out to the people I had previously spent time cultivating relationships with.  I have used these relationships to my advantage; to help me to survive, to nourish and sustain me and to explore new possibilities.  I do hope that those who have been so supportive to me have felt that I have reciprocated.  I will say with some extra time on my hands I have had the ability to have some fully engaging conversations with some amazing people; where stories, laughter and tears have all been shared.

I have been using what I know to be my strengths (advantages) to improve my situation, sustain my relationships and keep me on a positive path.  What advantages do you have that you can use towards your advantage?

*The reason this is untitled is because I originally titled it "There is a Little Bit of Heroine in Me". After reading this title a few times it just did not sit right with me and then I could not think of anything better. I kept reading it as Heroin and not Heroine and that is so not right!*